Back in Mexico

I made it back home yesterday in the early hours of the morning. I was so tired and was unable to sleep, and I didn't make it to work, but now we will start to see a few new things take hold in my life.

Today I started the day bright and early after a sleepless night. I am very surprised that I was unable to sleep, but yesterday I had a great time for most of the day, but I also faced up to a few issues.

I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning that my decision-making is often rash. I'm learning that I have some serious insecurities to face. I'm also learning how to make my goals happen for this year.

I put my resolutions for this year in Spanish on a previous post, but they're very general. I am working toward inner peace and financial peace. I don't want to begin making three times as much money. I'm not working toward being 20 lbs. lighter. I'm not trying to create situations to make me happy.

How do I know I'll have reached them? My roommate caught me as I was feeling very defeated last night, and he was there to support me. He reminded me of what I had said before but had managed to let slip my mind.

This goal is about making more intelligent decisions. It's about living in a way that I'll appreciate tomorrow. It's about avoiding excess and carelessness. As I said before, I'm seeing how rash I am when it comes to decisions. I tend to take the first thing that comes my way, and it's not fair to myself that I'm putting myself under that sort of pressure.

No more. I am where I am because of willpower combined with circumstance. Now I'm going to do what I can to make the best of it.

My time in Kentucky taught me a lot. Whether it was John Albert showing me what it means to be wise with one's money, whether it was a talk with Dr. Bodevin, whether it was appreciating how much my cousins have grown or experiencing biting cold again, I realized a lot of things while I was there.

And I realized that my life is okay here. I'm happy where I am. I'm living the life that I wanted to live, facing the issues I knew I would face, and seeing that things on paper are only things on paper. They lack feelings, urges, passion, and, in short, life. A bit of wisdom I've acquired comes in the form of knowing myself, recognizing my weaknesses, and overcoming them.

Some would argue that it's not a good idea for me to sit here and type out everything on my heart, and I'll resist the urge. But, to anyone who cares enough about me to read this, I want to talk about some issues I face.

I've always hated my appeareance. I've been overweight for too long. I love my personality and the way I think, but I feel like people lose interest in me before they get to see that. I care too much at times...about people, about problems...I sometimes allow myself to start drowning in a glass of water, if you want to draw that illustration.

But when I think about what I've done in life, when I have a friend who has a smile and an encouraging word, I'm as happy as can be, and begin to feel capable again. (Thanks, Mahmoud, for what you told me)

I appreciate all the wonderful people I'm surrounded by, and even the not-so-wonderful ones. I have to go back to what I wrote at the beginning of this blog. I will learn until the day I die. I am thankful for the good and bad times that have made me think this way. This will be an excellent year.

Thank you for being in my life.

Love, always,
-Buster