I feel like writing something a little philosophical today. Next week, I could very well be back in Kentucky for a few weeks, but I feel like I should go ahead and start preparing myself for some reflection, because I know people will ask me to sum up what I've been through here and what I've learned.
To put it in the clichée way, I could start by saying that I barely know where to begin. My character has undergone some huge changes while I've been here, and I'm so thankful that this experience, in retrospect, has been exactly what I've been ssearching for in life.
But how do you start talking about 'huge changes' in character? These things begin with small
adjustments that you barely notice. You really need a sort of reference of how the subject was before and after a certain period of time.
Physically, I've gone from 88.5 kg to to 78.5 kg. We can say that's about 195 lbs to 173. I'm still losing weight (albeit more slowly), but I'm pretty happy with the progress. This is only a superficial change, though. It has made me feel a bit more self-confident and has helped me to move a little quicker, but the outside isn't really what matters.
From inside, I suppose we can also start, however, with that new confidence. I feel more comfortable talking to new people, I go out and feel comfortable with how I look (not completely pleased, but comfortable), and all around, this has caused me to take life a
little easier. Today, for example, a lady got mad at me on the bus for not getting off when some people tried to leave. The passage way was honestly completely cleared, but she couldn't be convinced that I'd done something stupid. I managed to push it back at her a little bit though.
In other words, I'm becoming less concerned with pleasing people. In a city like this one, no one will really watch out for you unless you have friends. The irony is that it's harder to find friends in a city of 20,450,000 people than a small college town like Murray. For that reason, the people you treat well will become friends if you manage to make an impression and get over the fact that people here tend to cancel plans many times.
So, summing up, confidence, weight-loss, what else?
I'm adjusting to life here. I'm learning how the work environment is. I've figured out, for instance, that a language teacher in Mexico does better financially if s/he doesn't have a full-time schedule. For private classes I can charge upwards of $200 per hour (more or less 16-17 USD), and for classes in a school with a full-time schedule, well, let's just say things don't compare too favorably. Either way, the trick is to not think in the conditional tense (spoken like a real language teacher!). You have to think in the simple present, in other words, instead of thinking what you could be making in your home country, think about the way things are. If I go out with 1000 pesos here, I can have a grand old time. When you think that that's about 80 USD, you feel very limited. But with that I can eat comfortably and pay for 4 buses per day for 2 weeks if I apply myself. There are other ways to stretch that, such as paying every 15 days, playing music in the street, giving private classes, and shopping at Chedraui.
When I come back from Kentucky, I'll probably have two private classes awaiting me. I charge a little more to people I don't know and a little less to friends, but those classes (all in all maybe 3 hours per week) will augment my monthly income by 1600 pesos, or about 130 USD. I'm also looking at teaching Saturday classes. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but the question is really about organization. If I can keep myself caught-up and well-planned, I can still manage to have a life outside of work on Fridays and Saturdays.
I'm learning loads of things. At the moment, Spanish is natural for me like it wasn't before. I haven't been bad at Spanish for a while, but the feeling of the language was what I lacked. I can honestly say that that doesn't affect me at all anymore. I'm learning the ins and outs of life here. I can wash my laundry by hand, cross a street full of cars, make a decent authentic taco, and make random people in the street smile.
I know how to react when robbed, I know how to quiet a room full of ruckus kids, I can employ impressive Mexican baby talk and endure the spiciest of salsas. (My palate already believes itself to be Mexican) I've learned to negotiate with unfair taxi drivers, look for better deals in open-air markets, and that you should never, under any circumstances, find yourself in the neighborhood known as Tepito.
I can navigate the Mexican City subway system, tell you where to buy the best street food in Atizapán, and can even choke down some grasshoppers and grub worms when I try the foods from the villages.
I think, then, that I can say I'm a better person for being here. Things aren't always easy, and right now I'm putting myself out there yet again, trying new things, and some days it's very hard to face it all. Someone recently told me in a very intense conversation "Eres muy matado con tu vida." Translated from Mexican slang to standard English, that person was telling me that I ...and I'm thinking of Spanish right now wanting to say "que le echo muchas ganas a la vida," which would be something like...I give it my best in life.
I'm sensitive. Whenever I put myself out there and things don't work well, I beat myself up over it. It's tough at times. Some days I feel like crying, and I know that's not that impressive, but I think I've figured out that my philosophy in life is to experience everything I can. I do this with the dream of becoming wise, although I suppose I'll have lost my wisdom if I ever call myself that.
I won't change these aspects of my character that make me who I am. I'll always be sincere, bad at sarcasm, and easily hurt by people I hold in esteem. I'll always take myself very seriously, and I'm sure I'll always find faults in myself that cause me anguish, but I recognize that because I've never settled some things in my life, I'm living all these new things, and I'd have never been here if I'd let go of the dreams that began to grow in my heart when I was younger.
I'm slowly becoming the person I want to be, and honestly, I can't see that very easily every day, but I recognize it if I look at the young Buster who on his 10th birthday spent the night reflecting on the huge changes in his life. I recognize it if I think of the 15 year old who suddenly wanted to do mission work and travel. I see it again when I take into account that 17 year old who went to Mexico for a summer and in the fall of the same year applied to study in Germany. I remember the young man who sat in the interview for that same exchange program and suddenly found himself overcome with conviction and cried as he answered the question of which household item would best describe him. He sat very still and said, "I've honestly never really thought about that. But I guess...it would be...a spoon." He explained that he realized while playing with children in Matamoros that his purpose in life was to serve, even though at times that service is not recognized.
Then I see the 18-year-old battling with his faith and ideological standpoints. I see him sitting with a bearded German man who became something of a second father to him, deeply impacted by the teaching that "If we have a garden, and someone else enters it, we have the right to tell them to leave."
Later I visualize the 19-year-old who was making new friends at Murray State University, then the 20-year-old who became so into partying that he managed to make a mess of his life before finally realizing what was important. I see the 21-year-old who finally came to terms with the mistakes of the previous year and did himself the favor of talking it over with a psychologist.
I see the 22-year-old Buster crying in his bedroom over his parents' divorce, ringing his hands in prayer and trying desperately to think of how he could've changed things. I see that same 22-year-old decide that his time is best-spent doing what he realized several years ago was his real passion in life, helping others.
And more recently, I see the guy who got on a plane back on June 1st heading off to a foreign country to interview based on a few phone numbers and a couple of email correspondences.
And here he is, six months after that, and the changes are vast.
The point of this entry is served. I've organized my thoughts a bit, but I believe there's more to come.
-Buster
